5 RULES FOR INSTANT TINDER SUCCESS
WHAT YOU NEED TO KNOW BEFORE YOU MAKE THAT FIRST FINGER SWIPE
Written by Peter Brooker in Tech on the 17th April 2015
Written by Peter Brooker in Tech on the 17th April 2015
Suddenly I find myself drunk with power, swiping faces right to left on the Tinder app. Actually, that's a lie. I don't judge people, purely because I don't have enough time. I simply hammer the yes button until I'm out of likes (of course I'm not upgraded to unlimited), Tinder then removes my privileges for 12 hours where the process starts all over again.
During that time inevitably I will get the odd match (rarely) and when I like what I've been paired with (even rarer still) I would entertain talking to them. The whole process now is like a well-oiled routine, but it took a while to get there. Here's a few things I've learnt, that I wish someone had told me before I started my first swipe.
...Or get an ugly dog. Make your profile picture clean. No sunglasses, hats, or sedated Bengal tigers. If you look good with your top off don't just have a poorly-lit bathroom selfie of you and your washboard stomach. Just stick to one of you smiling and don't have more than one beer bottle in your hand.
...and the girl has a picture of herself running, ask the key question "Have you run any marathons yet?" Chances are she has, or is in training to do one. She'll want to talk about it, non-bleeding-stop. Don't reply with the fact that the only running you do is to make last orders from your gaff to the pub.
...On the 3rd or 4th message tell her you're going to visit your folks out in the sticks and won't have signal. She'll know its bull-crap but if she likes you, she won't mind. The best thing about getting her number is it gets her off Tinder whilst she's engaging with you. You'll move swiftly onto whatsApp, a quick booty call, a few naughty pics, then take her down the Three Tunnes for happy hour.
...If you're a tall glass of water then women will love the fact you're over 6ft. In fact it might be the only thing going for you. If you're at the height where you still can't get on half the rides at Alton Towers then put that down too. There's nothing worse than spending days on end talking, just to find out that she can't date a short guy, even though her ass is shorter than yours and she is ten years older.
...Match a few, keep the plates spinning. It will keep you from checking your phone every 5 minutes hoping she's finally had enough time in her busy day to send you a one word reply. "An eager beaver gets no beaver." Not a saying yet but I'm hoping it catches on.
*Dog, Phone, Couple, Tall, Hipsters, Running images via Shutterstock